


Nine months before the summer

by KiraDillinger



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Angst, Eventual Happy Ending, F/F, Fluff, Human AU, Hurt/Comfort, Lapis is a freelance artist who doesn't like people, Out of Character, Peridot is a school student, they're doing their best to understand what a "friend" means
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-15
Updated: 2018-11-24
Packaged: 2019-08-02 18:20:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 9,952
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16310303
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KiraDillinger/pseuds/KiraDillinger
Summary: When a stranger girl asked Lapis to teach her how to fight, Lapis had just one thing in mind: "Oh god, this is gonna bring me so much pain in the ass".





	1. 1

**Author's Note:**

> There will be... idk how many parts. The first one is pretty strange and egdy and Lapis is an ass.  
> Later everything will be better.

Lapis _hates_ any changes in her life and, seeing a short blonde next to her mother on the threshold, she doesn't even try to hide her displeasure.

"Have you decided to evict me and adopt a new child?" She quips, folding her arms across her chest.

Fear flashes in the green eyes of the uninvited guest, and Lapis decides not to continue the flow of poisonous words. Her mother frowns, but ( _surprisingly_ ) doesn't raise her voice.

"Try not to be so rude. This is Peridot, a daughter of... my friends from the past. I met her today, and I thought you could help her with something.”

Peridot nods uncertainly, and Lapis rolls her eyes.

“Why should I…”

“Lapis.”

Lapis doesnt want to annoy her mother and listent to her ranting. Maybe this girl just wants to ask her about drawing a portrait of the guy she likes, to hang it above the bed and worship it. Lapis doesn’t want it to be true, but if they leave her alone after that, then okay…

"Okay. Let's go to my room, tell me what you need."

Peridot has school uniform for guys, not ironed and with a crooked tie, a tiny crack in round glasses, and short messy blonde hair. If it weren't for the obvious girlish roundness and black nail polish, Lapis would be sure that this is just an ordinary teenage boy.

"I apologize for such a suddenness..."

_And her voice is girlish too._

“But your mom said you can teach me something.”

Lapis sighs. Tolerating strangers in her room is as difficult for her as talking to them, and she pulls up the sleeves of her blue flannel, a size larger than necessary.

“Just tell it, Peri... dot? What did she tell you? I don't give lessons."

Peridot nervously adjusts her glasses, stomping on the spot, but taking a breath in and out, looks straight in Lapis' eyes.

"Basic self-defense skills. Your mother said that you studied this for a long time, and you know a couple of... tricks. I have no money for a pro-coach, and video lessons are useless without practice. I will be very grateful if you help me.”

Lapis chuckles in response. This is not a mockery, but the reaction of a person who didn't expect to hear something like that. Lapis tries to answer something several times, but every time the same chuckle breaks out, and she measures the room with her steps, choosing words. _What is there to answer?_

"Why do you think that I will agree to show “tricks” to a person I don't know?"

Yes, this is probably the most acceptable answer.

"I don't think. I ask. I didn't come here demanding, I came to ask, can you help, or not.”

Peridot's voice turns icy and completely gray. Nothing in her expresses disappointment or anger, as if Lapis' answer had already made her understand everything. As if she hears such things three times a day.

"If not, then I'll just go. It will be dark soon, I have to return back in time."

_"Or your mom will scold you?"_

Lapis is used to mock people that annoys her, but she's not used to seeing such a bitter gaze in return.

She never felt ashamed just because of something she _saw in someone's eyes_.

Peridot doesn't respond. Doesn't snap and slam the door. She politely says goodbye, puts on her sneakers and walks out the door.

Lapis feels like a jerk, and it makes her angry. After all, she didn't say _anything bad_ , why such a reaction?

A little later, Lapis learns from her drunken mother that Peridot returns to a special orphanage for teenagers, and that she has problems with classmates, and this makes Lapis feel even worse. Pity isn't best thing to feel to anyone, and she still doesn't want any new acquaintances, but she feels guilty for this quip, which Peridot definitely didn’t deserve. She wants to apologize. At least for her last phrase.

_Communication with people is such a pain._

***

Taking the address of Peridot's school turns out to be a real test. Lapis doesn't approve her mother’s addiction to alcohol, but she never criticizes her too much. Taking care of an adult unemployed daughter when all your peers are already nursing their grandchildren... Lapis isn't ashamed, but she doesn't take away at least some joy from her mother.

But to talk to her in the morning after this is almost impossible. Lapis spends a half hour on this, writes the address and leaves the house for the first time in several days. She just wants to apologize.

The school - a gray tall building, covered with graffiti - doesn't cause pleasant sensations or memories in Lapis' mind. She graduted four years ago, and never once did she have a desire to meet with former classmates, to establish contact or friendship with someone.

Admittedly, Peridot's school looks like a haven for hooligans. Lapis remembers the beautiful green walls of her school, and doesn't even want to think how everything is arranged inside this gray box.

She has to wait long enough before the students begin to leave the doors, and she looks for a familiar figure in the crowd. It is _incredibly stupid_ , to look for someone just to apologize, but once she has already arrived, she must fulfill the plan and go home, cook dinner or do any other things.

“How about making Peridot to do our homework for us?” she hears and turns around.

A boy, apparently a classmate, firmly holds Peridot by the shoulder, smiling unkindly, and two girls nods to him with an admiration. Lapis wants to vomit from this view.

Typical school bully and typical nerd? What a predictable...

“How about you go and _fuck yourself_ , huh?”

_…or not._

The only predictable thing is this guy’s angry and dumbfounded face. The phrase was said with icy calmness, but Peridot is already ready for a fight - her fists are tightly clenched and her body is tense.

The guy squeezes his hand on Peridot’s shoulder harder, and Peridot frowns painfully, clenching her teeth. Lapis understands that it's time to intervene, until she has to apologize for ignoring teens fight.

Interfering children problems, _oh shit..._

“Hey kid, she said go and fuck yourself,” Lapis doesn’t even need to raise her voice. Her appearance makes schoolchildren take a step back, looking at her worn leather jacket, blue hair with shaved temples and the shadows under her eyes, making her look threatening and unkind. Even Peridot takes a step back, putting her hands in front of her.

"Come on, we need to talk."

Lapis behaves lazily and calmly, and the teenager, who almost jumped away in fear a few seconds ago, tries to be cool again. Lapis hasn't seen something so funny in the last few weeks, and she can't even frown. This kid causes a mixed desire to knock him out and buy him an ice cream for his efforts.

"Is this your girlfriend, Peridot?" He asks with a trembling voice.

Lapis looks around, and with the most innocent facial expression says:

" _I don't see your mom here_. Let's go, Peridot, until I accidentally break anyone's neck."

Peridot blinks in amazement, and then laughs, making a step towards Lapis _without fear_.

***

"And what was that?"

Peridot asks this when they went away from the school, moving somewhere in the direction of the orphanage. It's far away from Lapis' home and she didn’t even think to accompany this girl. But her legs carried her somewhere away from the crowd and noise.

Lapis tries to remember the phrase she _prepared_ for apology.

“I... I just wanted to say that I'm sorry. Yesterday I said something that I shouldn't have said."

She says this without even turning her face to Peridot. Who needs sentiments?..

Peridot thinks differently, running ahead and standing right in front of Lapis, blocking the way.

_Hell, this girl. So small and so impudent._

"Apologies are accepted, but... Do you realize that they will kill me now because you have humiliated that idiot?”

Lapis says something between "ugh" and "fuck." _New problems._

"And what should I do? Go and dip his head in the toilet? My classmates was doing this."

Nobody did this to Lapis, but she needed to suggest at least something.

Peridot stretches her lips in a smile, and Lapis knows perfectly well what she will say.

"Just teach me how to fight back. And before you say “I don’t know you at all”, let me introduce myself: Peridot, seventeen, our parents were friends until my mother and father decided that driving high is a good idea. I also study technique and art. Strange combination, but still. Enough facts?"

Lapis looks at this insolent creature in front of her, looks straight into green eyes, expecting Peridot to look away, but this doesn't happen.

And Lapis _surrenders_.

"OK, good. But only because I don't want to hear "an almost dead teen is found" from the TV.”

“I’m almost eighteen.”

“And I’m almost twenty-two. Come to our house tomorrow, I'll see what we can do with you."

Peridot smiles, and this is the first real _sincere_ smile that Lapis sees from her.

Okay, maybe this creature is a **_bit_ ** cute.

“Thanks for escorting me home.”

Lapis snorts and says she wasn't even accompanying her.

***

After a few hours of something that Lapis can't call “training”, it becomes clear - it’s useless. No, Peridot tries and does everything at the limit of her physical abilities, but...

_She is so frail._

“It’s not enough to do tricks, Peridot...” Lapis sighs wearily, sitting down on the ground and stretching. Muscles hurt, but it feels good. She had not worked out for a long time, and the warm-up seemed to improve her morning bad mood and invigorated her.

“We must begin from your physical form. Can you even open a bottle of cola?"

Peridot, trying to bring her breath back to normal, shows the middle finger.

“I would be glad,” she croaks, sitting down next to Lapis. "But I can't deal with any heavy loads. I can't run, I can't lift weights, and I can't be hit hard. I want to live."

“Why not explain to those freaks that if they touch you, you can die? I don't think they want to go to jail."

Peridot smirks bitterly, taking off and rubbing her glasses with the tip of her T-shirt.

“If I bring them a certificate, they won't read it. I can read a speech about why I should not be touched, but they only laugh. I just want to survive till the end of the school year, graduate from this nightmarish school and... I don't know, start a new life."

Peridot presses her knees to her chest, and Lapis again feels sorry for her. Peridot doesn't want to cause pity on purpose, but anyone will feel sorry for a person whose life has changed dramatically.

She sits in a long T-shirt and shorts, and Lapis sees scars on her arms and legs. As if she was collected piece by piece after...

Lapis pulls up the sleeves of her shirt.

“You... _You were in the same car with your parents, right?_ ”

Peridot nods, stretching her arms and legs forward.

"Yeah. It wasn't pleasant at all, but at least I'm alive. Although now I look like a monster of Frankenstein. I can wear long pants the next time, if you feel uncomfortable."

Lapis is not uncomfortable, Lapis feels respect to Peridot and pity for herself. Peridot has a whole body like that, and she can't reconcile with a couple of almost invisible scars.

"No, don't worry. I don't care. Let's finish for today. I will think what to do with you without killing you and help you live the rest... How much is left until the summer?"

“About nine months. Nine months before the summer and until my majority."

They exchange tired looks, and suddenly smile at each other for no reason.

Lapis is aware that this will be a big pain in the ass.

But it's too late to retreat.

 


	2. 2.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A Halloween night goes not like Lapis expected.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I lied to you. There will be 3 chapters.   
> In this one I tried to describe very special feelings that can look strange. But I tried to show what people can feel, because people are different and they make mistakes.   
> Also I'm struggling with finding a reason for them to be friends/lovers, because I want it be a "step by step" thing, not the love from the first sight. That's why it takes more chapters.

Lapis puts on a shirt with short sleeves for the first time in many months and stands in front of a full-length mirror, hands by her side. Thin white scars on the wrists aren't so visible actually, but Lapis knows - they will stay there forever. The consequences of teenage stupidity, the consequences of the desire to hurt yourself as much as possible and see if someone will worry.

On the day when she overdid it, she realized that only her mother, who has gray hair since then, will be worried. No one visited her in the hospital, no one sent cards. Probably, she is to blame, because if you want your friends to care, you need to have them and be kind and supportive, and... Everything that Lapis never did. She liked to be alone, but at some moments she thought that it was wrong, and something was wrong with her, and that she was not to blame for that. With the end of school and growing up, it passed, but the desire to join the society did not appear. Rare walks to breathe the night air were enough, drawing was enough to save some money for mother and for buying drawing supplies.   

She turns around in front of a mirror, as if looking at herself for the first time. The hair dye has already begun to turn pale, and the temples has to be shaved again, and something has to be done with the shadows under the eyes. Lapis doesn’t really want to bother about her appearance, but she admits that in recent months her appearance changed badly.

And all because some completely unfamiliar person on the street paid attention to her wrists and reacted very badly. Now it seems silly. To withdraw into herself for many months, because some idiot started screaming on the street about how bad it is.

Lapis remembers Peridot's scars, and this is really... _Inspiring_? Makes her feel confident? Lapis doesn't know what to call it, but she likes this feeling more than she not. What happened - happened, there is nothing to be done.

Thinking about Peridot, Lapis tries not to think about how bad Peridot probably feels in school now. It’s strange to think about Peridot, they are not even friends, but Lapis catches herself thinking about how she feels in such a school. Probably, this is simply because she is the first person with whom Lapis speaks about something other than “what do you want me to draw”, and this is surprisingly not bad.

Maybe the time with Peridot will be nice.

_Who knows._

***

They agree to meet and train on weekends, and October passes calmly like that.

Peridot's physical form doesn't change at all, but Lapis teaches her how to get out of the grips and dodge, and it works well. Peridot is sincerely happy for her success, and Lapis is happy too. Leaving home and training positively affects mood and body, and Lapis likes it, although she _still_ likes to stay at home even more.

On Halloween evening, Lapis hangs a sign " **no candies here** " on the door and prepares to watch a horror movie with a bottle of wine stolen from her mother. Her mother decided to follow the example of her daughter and socialize a little, and stayed at work for a party, promising to return not too late, and Lapis enjoys silence and darkness in the apartment.

The doorbell makes her jump up in fear at the most tense moment of the movie. Turning on the light throughout the apartment with the desire to kill a trick-or-treating kid, Lapis opens the door, but there are no kids.

_Well._

Peridot is seventeen, but Lapis no longer considers her a kid. Not with eyes that reflect anything but childishness.

She is wearing a green alien mask with deer horns, but Lapis immediately recognizes her and lets her in, without even asking what she is doing here. They did not agree to meet, and Lapis wonders _what the hell_ , but Peridot is silent and doesn't remove the mask until Lapis notices that she is shaking.

And her red neck under the collar.

“Sorry for the suddenness...” Peridot says quietly, standing on the threshold and not going into the apartment.

Lapis understands several things at once.

 _First:_ Peridot doesn't take off the mask, because there, under it, she has red and tear-stained eyes.

 _Second:_ Peridot is damaged, but not too bad to go to hospital.

 _Third:_ for some reason, Lapis is very angry and frustrated at the same time.

Lapis never dealt with someone's tears and she has no idea how to comfort. Nobody comforted her, and she is confused, trying to think of something.

Peridot speaks first.

“Can I spend the night here today? I can't go back."

“Alright.”

“Can I come in?”

“Of course.”

Peridot takes off her shoes and lifts the mask, squinting because of bright light. She has red cheeks with tracks of tears, and Lapis doesn't know what to feel. Can she call them good friends so this worrying for Peridot could be _justified_? She knows her for only a month, but, seeing someone's handprint on her thin pale neck, she wants to find the ones who did it and beat them with an iron baseball bat. Then make to apologize and beat again.

“Why did they do it?”

Peridot sniffs and smiles sadly, rubbing her neck and grimacing.

“They said it was a Halloween test of courage. I'm not afraid of horrors and other things, but, you know, when someone jumps out from a dark corner and “jokingly” tries to choke you... I, as you taught, immediately punched him in the guts, and he got angry and decided to choke me for real. _Happy motherfucking Halloween._ ”

Lapis looks for something in the first-aid kit and gives Peridot an ointment her mother usually used when Lapis was beaten on trainings by a coach. Peridot nods gratefully and rubs the ointment down her neck, hissing from discomfort and pain.

"Were you watching " _Paranormal Activity_ "?" Peridot asks, making the situation less awkward.

The movie is paused on the TV screen, and Lapis remembers at what moment she stopped.

On the _most fucking intense_.

“Yes, that’s pretty… _Scary_ movie.”

Peridot snorts and gives her an incredulous look.

“You do understand that’s not real, right?”

In response, Lapis turns off all the lights that she had turned on before, and sits down next to Peridot on the couch, pressing "play".

“It’s _still_ scary.”

It's 30 more minutes till the end, and Lapis looks at the screen, slightly twitching and cursing under her breath when something happens. Peridot looks at Lapis more than on the screen. Lapis wears white T-shirt, home pants with dolphins, her pale blue hair with undyed roots brushed back, and she looks much friendlier than on their first meeting.

White lines of scars on the wrists are visible even in the light of the screen, but Peridot has already seen them. She noticed how Lapis pulls up the sleeves of her shirts, but Peridot still saw them, and she really doesn't care whether they are there or not. These are just a few lines on the hands, not a whole web of scars on the body, and why does that even matter.

Peridot sees how Lapis turns her hands to hide them, and hesitates to ask where they came from.

The film ends sadly and badly, and Lapis quickly turns on all the lights. Peridot grins, removing the mask from her head and laying it on the back of the sofa, and Lapis nibbles her thumbnail, trying to remember how did she get an idea of watching a horror alone. Even without the wine she took, but was so carried away by the movie that she forgot to open it.

Now she has to drink it to not feel the fear.

"Want some?" She asks, showing Peridot a bottle, but the answer is not really important. Want or not, Lapis still goes to the kitchen for a corkscrew, and Peridot goes after her watching her professional opening the bottle from the first attempt.

"Are you so scared?" Peridot teases, and Lapis shows her tongue and middle finger. “An adult woman wants to drink with a kid.”

“Does this kid wanna sleep outside?”

“Oh hell no.”

“Then shut up.”

“Roger! I will keep you company, after all I watch how teenagers drink every day. Hell, in our school the chemistry teacher came drunk once, and began to explain the influence of ethanol on the body."

Lapis doesn't want to listen to this story, and she gives Perdot a glass, while she herself sips right from the bottle. Peridot sniffs it and drinks with caution, making Lapis chuckle.

“Is it your first wine?”

Lapis takes a sip from the bottle again, but then takes a glass too.

Peridot shakes her head, taking another sip.

"No, that's just unusual for me. Don't look like that, I had a group of friends who gave me a try. I don’t like to get drunk, but if that's just a little, it's okay."

Lapis often sees her mother drinking and knows how to avoid severe intoxication, and Peridot, despite the lack of experience, has some kind of immunity, so the bottle is quickly drunk, but there is almost no effect, and that’s great. Lapis pulls a blanket out of the closet and tells Peridot that she can sleep on the sofa, and Lapis will go to her room, and Peridot is not against being alone in a dark unfamiliar apartment. She feels _safe_ here.

Lapis writes her mother a message about Peridot and goes to her room, realizing with a sigh that she still has to sleep with a lamp.

In the morning, Lapis catches Peridot on the threshold, while she tries to slip out the door, and strictly says that if this happens again, she will come and break someone's face. Not because she feels sorry for Peridot, but because “ _assholes need to be taught how to behave_ ".

Peridot smiles sleepily and promises that if something happens, she will come for help.

“You’re the _only one_ I can ask for help”, she says and goes away, leaving Lapis with mixed feelings.

A green mask with horns stays on the sofa.

 


	3. 3.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A week before x-mas, Peridot asks for help.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As you can see, this is now multichapter work.   
> God damn.   
> Hope you like it.

A week before Christmas, Peridot asks "to help with something", and Lapis thinks that she must finally go and fight someone. In fact, she wants it for a long time already. Seeing Peridot in bruises becomes simply unbearable, but every time Peridot says that she can handle everything herself, and Lapis throws out her anger on the punching bag, which has been gathering dust in the pantry before. Lapis begins to train again, and even visits the gym, setting a goal to get back in shape until next summer.

Peridot comes on Saturday evening, shakes off the snow and wrinkles her red from the cold nose, cursing when her glasses sweat in a warm apartment. Lapis is glad to see her.

Peridot is a good person. Spending time with her is nice.

“Something happened?”

“Nope.”

Peridot smiles, hanging the scarf and coat on a hook, nods to Mrs. Lazuli and walks behind Lapis to her room, where a green mask with reindeer horns is hanged on the door. It couldn't be left in the orphanage, it would have been broken or thrown out, and Peridot leaves it to Lapis so that she can look after it until summer. Lapis likes such things, so she’s okay with it.

When Peridot pulls out a _green hair dye_ from her backpack, the same brand as Lapis uses, Lapis laughs loudly.

“Do you want to give these assholes a reason to mock you before X-mas? I won’t dye your hair green, Peridot.”

Peridot snorts, adjusting her glasses.

"I don't ask you to dye my whole head and turn me into _a damn Christmas tree_. I want to dye a single strand, but I don't know how to do it and don't kill my hair. And believe me, you look like a person who dyes your hair yourself.”

Lapis can't argue with that. She doesn't trust her hairstyle to anyone except herself, she cuts and dyes herself, asking her mother to trim everything at the very end. Denying Peridot's request makes no sense. If she wants one green strand - why not, that's not hard to do, and if she says no, Peridot won't be offended, but she will remember it.

Lapis _doesn't want_ Peridot to remember bad things. Lapis doesn't know why is this so important for her, but honestly she doesn't even want to know. She accepted the fact that she wants to be friends with Peridot, because, suddenly, it is pleasant and nice to be friends. But it's still sad that she realizes it only when she almost turns 22.

“Okay, okay, I’ll do it. But you came way too late, it’ll take time and it’s already dark outside. Won’t you be scolded?”

Peridot blinks innocently, stretching a little box of dye to Lapis.

“I warned them I’ll come back tomorrow.”

“And you’re so sure I’m okay with it?”

“You won’t kick me out in the snow, right?”

Her green eyes behind the glasses are glowing with innate innocence. Peridot is completely different with her classmates, Lapis knows this. At school, she snaps and frowns, being abused for that. But talking to Lapis, she behaves differently. Lapis feels special, although she doesn't intend to allow this girl too much.

“No, if you wash the dishes.”

***

Peridot looks in the mirror and can't stop quietly squealing from happiness. Green strand, falling on her forehead, looks just perfect, and she wants to jump to the ceiling from this joy. She even forgives Lapis for a mountain of dishes that had to be washed while the dye was on her hair. They live together with mother, where do so many plates come from?

“Thank you,” she says again, and Lapis lazily salutes from her bed. Peridot looks funny. In a superman hoody, with a green strand and round glasses.

“Hey, how often do they call you Harry Potter?” she asks the first question that comes to mind.

Exhaling, Peridot turns to Lapis and raises her index finger, with her face like “just listen here”. Lapis sits up in bed, hugging a pillow, and prepares to listen.

"Firstly, _a lot_. Secondly, I got used to it. And thirdly, this isn’t an _insult_. Harry Potter is a character who could be on the dark side, could cruelly avenge everyone for how he was treated, but he was kind and nice, and ready to give his life to save his friends. I don't think his name can be an insult. Not for me for sure.”

She speaks in all seriousness, but Lapis can’t help but smile. This girl is really funny.

"So you're the fan number one, huh?"

Peridot looks as if she is ready to defend her favorite books for the rest of her life, and, if necessary, will fight. She frowns, thinking that Lapis decided to mock her, but Lapis reaches for the bookcase door - almost falling out of bed - and points to the lower shelf, where all seven books stand carefully one after another.

"You can say I agree with you."

Genuine happiness sparkles in Peridot's eyes.

***

They spend the rest of the evening discussing “ _why books are better than movies_ ”, forgetting about the time and the fact that it is already night, and, although tomorrow is Sunday and they don't have to go anywhere, they shouldn't break their sleeping mode.

Peridot yawns and takes her backpack, saying that she will go change and will sleep on sofa like before, and Lapis just nods to her. What else does she need to do; Peridot knows where the blankets lie and where the bathroom is. And she definitely knows where the sofa is. Peridot is an adult, can handle it herself. Lapis leaves her to change clothes in the room, and goes into the shower, thinking under warm streams of water that the evening was nice.

Coming back, she sees Peridot sitting on the floor near her bed, in short alien shorts and a "I want to believe" T-shirt.

Peridot looks like a collectible _figurine_ from a comic book, which was taken apart and _broken in all places_ by someone, and then they regretted it and glued it back. Not like a broken porcelain doll, no.

But glued back, admittedly, not bad. Lapis doesn't notice any terrible scar, and eventually she catches herself standing and looking at her for several minutes, and Peridot just looks back.

"If you want to continue our discussion “ _Severus Snape - a jerk or a hero?_ ” let's continue in the morning, I am already too sleepy."

Lapis goes to bed, but Peridot doesn’t leave, embarrassedly wringing her fingers and biting her lip.

“Is something wrong?”

Peridot nods.

“Your mother fell asleep on the sofa. Of course, I didn't wake her up. And to go to sleep in her room is kinda... I'm still not such a frequent visitor here for such familiarities."

Lapis slaps her forehead. Of course. It’s Saturday, a day when her mom always takes a glass of whatever-she-found-in-a-bar and watches night TV-dramas, falling asleep on sofa. It was stupid to forget about it.

"Okay. Sleep on the bed; I’ll lie on the floor."

Both of them don't like this, but nothing else to do and Lapis lays a blanket on the floor, taking one of the pillows from the bed.

Lapis knows that on sleepovers with friends you can sleep in the same bed, but she never shared it with anyone, and her bed is small for two, and they, even being friends, are not so close to hug each other in sleep.

“If you fall out of bed at night, I will kick you under it.”

Peridot chokes with a yawn and a laugh.

“If you snore, I'll choke you with a pillow.”

***

Lapis snores, making funny sounds in her sleep, and this, for some reason, is not annoying, but calming. Peridot gets better sleep than in orphanage and doesn't want to leave the bed. Warm, soft, just like home.

Which is no more here, because the apartment has always been rented, and they had sell things to pay for the surgery and her own life, for funerals and then also for the orphanage. They don’t take children who have a place to return, but no one let her stay, having decided that she can grow up just like her parents. Lazy and interested only in having fun, without any plans for future and with part-time jobs.

Her parents were not exactly such idiots. They saved money to buy a car, bought a laptop for Peridot, and gave her pocket money, even if that was troublesome. But sometimes they broke down and could not appear at home for days, disappearing in clubs, somewhere outside the city, often asking Peridot to come and help them get home.

That night, when they died, Peridot didn't even know that they were high on something. She was so used to the fact that sometimes they are just like that, and she sat in the back seat of the car without any back thoughts when her father suggested a night trip for sweets.

She was told that he most likely fell asleep behind the wheel and drove to the oncoming lane, where their car was pushed into a ravine and rolled a few meters. Maybe they could have been saved, but it was deep night and the car was not immediately noticed a few meters from the road.

Peridot was just _lucky_. Her parents weren't.

A year has passed, and Peridot, hugging a blanket, hopes that in time everything will be forgotten. Hopes, that when she graduates from school, no one will speak behind her back that she is the daughter of some drug addicts who have died because they were high. That no one would look at her contemptuously, as if she is the same as her parents.

Peridot looks at the still sleeping Lapis, and thinks that it’s good that they know almost nothing about each other. If they knew, they would not sleep in the same room.

Outside the window is still dark and snowing. Peridot wraps in a blanket and closes her eyes.

She can think about bad things in the orphanage. Now it's better to think about the good ones.


	4. 4.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They're trying their best to find out who they are to each other.

They don't see or write to each other for _almost a month_.

Peridot has an old phone that doesn't support messenger apps, they never exchanged pages in social networks, and telephone talks or SMS were always used only as an emergency. Peridot warns that she won't go to trainings until mid-January because of exams, and Lapis just asks to say in advance about the future desire to train.

Lapis spends her birthday alone with her mother and congratulations from followers of her art-blog.

This isn't the first birthday like this; almost all of them were similar. But not when her father was still with them, and hasn't gone to the other woman. When he didn’t take away what was so important for Lapis – her little dog. He gave it to her when she was eleven, and took away six months later, not caring about her tears. Lapis didn't want her father to leave, but she didn't want to lose someone she called a friend even more.

That dog was her only friend, and now, sitting at a table with a cake that her mother bakes only once a year, Lapis is not surprised about another boring birthday, until she remembers that she, in fact, has a _friend_. They are friends with Peridot, _right_? _So why is she not here?_ Why didn't she decide to ask when is her birthday? Isn't this what _friends_ do?

Lapis understands that she is already too old for this kind of questions. She remembers asking her mother about this when no one came to her birthdays, because she talked with other kids at school and thought they were more than just classmates. Then, at the age of fourteen, Lapis realized that not everyone with whom you just talk is your friends. That those who smile at you and wish to get home save are not friends, but simply people who surround you.

That “ _a friend_ ” is something special. Books, movies, posts on the Internet, everything suggests that a friend will cause completely different feelings. Lapis wasn't hurt or felt bad when one of her classmates fought or humiliated another. She didn't have a desire to intervene. She didn't have someone to come at one o'clock in the morning for help, or someone who could come to her...

_Peridot came to her Halloween night for help._

Lapis remembers her words that she is the only one who can help, and a nasty thought creeps in her head. Peridot simply _has no one else_. No relatives, no friends, and Lapis simply _allowed her_ to think that she will always be here to help. Peridot certainly does not care about Lapis. This is not a friendship, this is...

 _What the hell is this?_ How does it work? How do these relationships between people work when you want to see someone, but you can't do it, because something inside persistently insists that it’s not necessary, that it’s _pointless_?

Lapis wants to scream in the pillow because this makes her so mad.

Probably they just need to _talk_ about it.

Yes, they _should_ , they are adults who can talk and somehow justify their relationship. Somehow _call_ them, _strengthen_ , become _someone_ , not just two people who sometimes meet for some reason.

She likes to spend time with Peridot, but she has no idea what to do next.

***

The desire to go and visit Peridot is spontaneous, unwarranted, and Lapis understands that she has done something stupid when she finds herself at the doors of the school. Moody security guard inside tells her that if she needs something, she can come tomorrow, on the day of the last exam, and Lapis sighs, hiding her hands in the pockets of her warm coat. She shouldn't have come.

_But she still comes tomorrow._

Used to running away and hiding from problems, this time she wants to try to solve the problem right away, not waiting for it to cause even more pain. _This is what adults do, right?_

She sits near the school for about an hour, catching snowflakes and being happy that there is no strong wind or frost. It's just a pleasant soft snow, and students who have already passed tests, play with snowballs or put snow under each other collars. Lapis thinks that Peridot gets snow under her collar more often than other students do. This thought makes her frown, thinking about how to make these assholes pay for doing bad stuff.

She returns on Earth only when she feels a light slap on her shoulder. Peridot stands nearby, in a green hat with a pompon and a long gray coat, and looks utterly surprised and confused.

“ _Hey._ ”

Lapis can’t say anything else. She is very glad to see her, and she finally realizes what was this strange feeling that has been tormenting her for the last week.

_She missed her._

_She missed this schoolgirl in stupid glasses._

Lapis hasn't missed anyone since losing her dog, and the fact that she is still able to miss someone makes her happy. She smiles, and Peridot hopes that her cheeks, red from the cold, won't show her embarrassment.

"What are you doing here?" Peridot sits down next to her, discomposedly looking at Lapis' clothes. She doesn't have a hat or a scarf, and if the coat can still be called “a winter coat”, her ordinary black sneakers don't even pretend to keep warm. “You’ll freeze.”

"I won't. My inner rage warms me, because _you_ didn't come on my birthday."

Lapis says it with the same smile and Peridot doesn't know whether to be afraid, run, apologize or smile in response.

“I...” she says uncertainly, rubbing the back of her head. “I didn't know when it was. Sorry. Are you angry?"

"No. But I would like to talk. Do you mind going at Starbucks?"

Peridot wrinkles her nose, taking out a wallet from her coat pocket.

“Starbucks is too expensive for me now.”

Lapis rises from the bench, and Peridot looks up at her. Lapis is tall, and Peridot is confident that this is so. She's not just short.

"I'll pay. Let's go, snow is melting in my sneakers already."

Peridot doesn't to say no to free coffee, and they go to Starbucks, passing by a school where Peridot’s classmates fight with snowballs. It looks fun, and they both think that they wouldn't refuse to play too, but they don't say this to each other. It would be stupid to try to push each other in the snow.

 _So stupid_.

Lapis takes them two lattes and chooses the farthest table near the window. Peridot shakes and warms her palms with hot coffee cup, and Lapis doesn't care about cold at all. She takes off her coat, hangs it on the back of a chair, and calmly sips latte, adding an incredible amount of sugar. Peridot feels sick from looking at that and she does her best not to scold Lapis for spoiling "the taste of coffee".

“Thank you,” she says, nodding at her cup. “So what do you want to talk about?”

Lapis, too relaxed from coffee and warmth in a cafe, remembers that she wanted to talk. Right. She came here to find out who they are to each other. But she doesn’t have prepared text this time.

"How to say it..." Lapis frowns, choosing words, and Peridot gets scared that now she will say that she will no longer help her with self-defense, that Peridot isn’t allowed to come over, and that in general this is their last meeting. "Let me ask one thing. Why did you not appear for almost a month?"

Peridot freezes with a raised cup.

_Why?_

“Because there was no reason…”

_No, that’s not a right answer. That’s not a real answer._

“No, w-wait,” she stumbles, rubbing her eyes under her glasses. “I... I didn’t know if I could come just like this. I didn't know how you would react and what you would think. I didn't want to impose."

Lapis exhales and smiles gently. So, that was the problem. It seems Peridot experienced about the same feelings. A bit different, but the meaning was the same. She didn't know what to do.

“Did you _want_ to come?”

Peridot nods shyly, looking away. Her glasses fog up when she brings coffee to her face, and it looks very funny, but this time Peridot doesn’t even try to wipe them, using this not to show her eyes.

“I _did_ , but I didn’t find a reason to justify it. I can't come with "Hey, I just wanted to talk to you", right?"

Lapis' smile becomes more cunning. She props her cheek with her hand, placing the coffee on the table, and looks directly at Peridot, forcing her to look at her in return.

“I came here just because I “ _wanted to talk to you"_. Is it bad?"

Peridot blushes. Hearing this is very nice and very strange. Just to talk? Without any reasons? Without some _benefit_?

“This is called “be friends”, I think.”

Right. _Yes_. It’s called “be friends”. Peridot adjusts her glasses for the hundredth time, trying to recall the last time she felt so happy.

Ah, yes. When Lapis dyed her strand in green. And when Lapis let her into her house on Halloween.

So this is the feeling of gratitude for being friends with you?

Peridot's heart beats like crazy.

"So, if you suddenly want to come in the middle of the week, without any reason, you can come, since I can't visit you."

Lapis says it and feels a relief. It wasn't so difficult, just to say that she wouldn't mind being friends. Real friends who go to visit each other without fear of not being accepted.

“Okay”, Peridot says. “ _Thank you_.”

But Peridot thinks that after today's meeting, their friendship won't last long.

_Her heart beats too fast._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah, sometimes people are like this. In a need to find a reason for everything.   
> Thanks for your kudos and comments <33


	5. 5.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I thought this chapter will be the last, but HELL NO.

Peridot doesn’t really remember how friendship feels, and Lapis helped her to feel it again. She helped her to feel some emotions from the past, but Peridot still tries not to be too attached to her, because her plans to go away from this city won’t happen if she won’t want to leave her. But… She fails, and these feelings are not so simple. Not the same she had in the beginning of the autumn.

Peridot understands this too late. It always seemed to her that a person chooses whether to fall in love with someone or not, and the concepts of “love at first sight” or “crush” were invented by romantic writers who were too lazy to write about feelings. One character falls in love with another because... Why? Because of beautiful eyes? Voice? Nice scent? Peridot can say for sure that Lapis has all this, but she didn't fall in love with her just for that.

She doesn't want to think about these feelings at all. They are already doomed to suffering, tears in the pillow and... It's funny that there is nothing. Peridot doesn't want to die and she's not stressing out. She doesn't try to draw attention to herself, and at night she hugs a pillow, happy that she had a chance to see Lapis.

This is strange, and Peridot has no idea what to think.

Shouldn't love bring bad emotions if it is unrequited?

But it's enough to talk to Lapis on weekends until dawn, breaking sleep patterns for both of them and getting a pillow in the face for it. It's enough to come to her after school for a couple of hours, watch her drawing, ask for help with some homework... Peridot has never felt anything like this, but she has reasons for these feelings. Lapis is the only person who cares about her. This is a good reason to fall in love with her.

The only real pain it brings is the pain in the ass, because classmates and neighbors from other rooms should definitely know everything. And not only to know, but also to interfere. And piss her off. Peridot locks herself in the room, wanting to stay in there forever, but at school she hears whispers behind her back and notices strange grins.

She never did a coming-out to people there. She knows that Lapis is the same (and not even because of the absolutely stereotypical appearance and clothes, it is simply written in her art blog) but she didn’t even say anything to her. After an unsuccessful coming-out to her parents (who didn't remember anything in the morning because they were high as hell) she decided - screw that.  Who cares. She is not going to get into a relationship anyway.

She is sure of it.

She has plans to finish the damn school and leave. More precisely, find a job, work a lot to save money for tickets, and leave.

She has no clear and precise plans. There is only a great desire to change everything. Every-fucking-thing. Start life anew. How - everything will be decided along the way.

And in these plans, she can’t find a place for Lapis.

She doesn't even try.

***

Spring comes unexpectedly sharply, forcing everyone to change their long warm coats to light jackets, teases with the warm air, the sun that came out from behind the clouds, and melted snow. Peridot hides her coat in the farthest corner of the wardrobe. She hates the cold, hates putting on five layers of clothing, and with the first rays of the spring sun she changes into a jacket, deciding to forget about the hat and gloves until next winter.

But the spring is tricky, and Peridot doesn't notice the cold and wind creeping under clothes. She ignores the rare cough, headache and runny nose, and realizes that she got sick only when the thermometer shows thirty-eight.

She has not been sick since childhood, and has no idea what to do.

To ask Lapis seems like a good option, because the Internet assured her that she'll die soon. Peridot closes the laptop and goes under the blanket with her phone, typing a few messages for Lapis and hoping that she will have some ideas.

Lapis has ideas, and she really wants to share them, and Peridot wakes up with a loud knock at the door, jumps out of bed, thinking that this is someone from the teachers or the watchman. She opens the door, but because of a sharp leap from the bed everything gets dark, and she almost falls into the arms of "whoever-you-are-please-leave". But this “whoever” picks her up and doesn't allow her to fall, brings her to the bed and puts a cold palm on her forehead.

“What’re you doing here?”

Peridot has red cheeks and heat, her glasses are somewhere on the nightstand, and she looks even more disheveled than usual.

Lapis' heart hurts.

"Helping you not to die. Your temperature is nearly forty. Wait here, I have to talk with the director."

Peridot doesn't want Lapis talking to someone or leaving somewhere, but Lapis is already going out the door, and Peridot tries not to fall asleep again. Her head is spinning, everything is blurry. Probably, she really has a high fever. Probably, this is all just a hallucination, and Lapis did not rush to save her.

But Lapis returns.

“I'll help you pack up.”

 “Where?..”

"In the hospital. And then to my place. My mother is waiting in the car. She has a doctor friend, he will help you right now. I talked with your director here, it seems to him that it will be easier if you don't infect everyone."

Peridot thinks that it is necessary to argue, to say that she won't go anywhere, that this is all too problematic and she doesn't want to be a burden, but she also knows that Lapis will simply drag her to the doctor by the scruff. For some reason she cares, for some reason she arrived here on Sunday evening, although she could do something else.

Peridot doesn't know why, but that is why Lapis causes very special thoughts and feelings.

Somehow Lapis helps her get dressed, take glasses and a laptop, some very necessary things, and go out into the corridor.

“Oh,” Peridot hears from one of the neighbors, clinging tightly to Lapis' hand so as not to fall. "Does your girlfriend take you for treatment?"

Witty answer doesn't come to her mind.

“Yes, and she will kick your ass if you say something else,” Peridot says hoarsely and coughs from her own bitter laughter.

It would be so nice, she thinks.

Now, with fever, she wants it to be truth.

She knows that as soon as she feels better, these thoughts will go away. Must go away.

***

The doctor prescribes a damn pile of pills for which Peridot has no money, and bed rest, and she wants to fall through the ground.

“Sorry for the problems...” she says, when Lapis practically drags her to bed. "I'm not worth it…"

"Quiet. I will give you medicine, and you will sleep. Let's talk about everything in the morning."

The medicine is bitter and nasty, but the awareness of her own helplessness is even worse. Lapis says something nice and strokes her hair, and Peridot wants to nuzzle her hand and ask her to stay.

She is so sick of being alone.

She closes her eyes and mumbles that it would be so great if Lapis would stay with her for the night.

“What?”

Lapis seems that she didn't hear it right.

"Don't go," Peridot thinks that she is already sleeping, and she can say anything. She still will have to wake up. "Stay here tonight. Please. I don't want to be alone."

And oh, a miracle, what a wonderful dream, Lapis silently crawls under the blanket and hugs her. Peridot clings to her T-shirt, nuzzling her neck. Warm and nice, and almost no headache.

“Thank you,” she whispers, but Lapis answers nothing.

Peridot wakes up alone, feeling cold place next to her and realizing with horror that she had made Lapis sleep on the sofa or, worse, on the floor. Her head hurts less, and the temperature is probably not that high anymore, but Peridot doesn't want to get out of bed. She hugs the blanket and remembers the wonderful dream she saw at night.

It seems to her that all her plans will fail.

***

She stays at Lapis' place for several days, until she feels better, and says that she should leave and not make Lapis sleep on the sofa even longer, but Lapis just shrugs.

"I have no problem sleeping there. But if you care that I sleep on the sofa, you can just move a little.”

A light blush appears on her cheeks, and she hides a smile in a cup of strong morning tea. Peridot in one of her flannels and shorts looks incredibly cute.

"After all, we perfectly fit on it last time together."

Peridot chokes with coffee.


	6. 6.

Peridot has an acid-green tie, new neat haircut, her suit is ironed, and she holds a long-awaited diploma. Lapis has never seen such happiness in her eyes, and it seems to her that Peridot is simply glowing. She comes to her after the graduation ceremony, happily knocking on the door, and Lapis of course lets her in. How can she not.

Even if it causes a _pain_ in the heart.

Because nine months have _passed_.

Peridot got a diploma, and her plans absolutely don't include staying in this city. But after graduation she comes exactly to her, smiles and asks to spend the night, because she can no longer stay in the damn orphanage for a second. Because she turns eighteen, she has a suitcase with her clothes behind her back, and probably the tickets somewhere far away. Lapis closes her eyes and sighs.

To give up to these feelings was a stupid idea. Give up to the thought that something could be okay, realizing that maybe this is not a friendship, but something else. Lapis understands all this only at the beginning of summer, when Peridot talks about moving out more often, about a new life, and Lapis feels an intolerable longing. In this new life, Peridot will surely be happy, but she will be alone.

Lapis assures herself that it doesn’t matter who is near Peridot, the main thing is that she won’t be alone, but this is self-deception. Lapis doesn't want anyone other than her to be with Peridot. Lapis wants Peridot to come for help to her, and to be the only one who can actually help. Is this friendship? Something else? No freaking difference. Does it matter how this feeling is called if you just want to be with a person?

Feelings overwhelm her, but Lapis is able to restrain them. They are both fucking professionals in that.

“Of course,” she says, and Peridot happily pulls the suitcase into her apartment.

“Though I really don’t know when you’ll have to kick me out,” Peridot honestly admits, falling on the sofa and stretching. "I haven't decided yet where I will move. But you will not kick me out, right?"

Lapis wants to strangle her and hug at the same time.

This expansive innocence in the green eyes has already become completely dear. And this innocent smile, behind which an ocean of emotions hides. Lapis reads her like an open book.

"Only if you will wash the dishes."

Peridot smirks.

***

They discuss the countries they would like to visit, and the cities they would like to live in, but no one touches the subject of real moving and separation, as if deliberately delaying this moment, although there is money for tickets and it's possible to buy them without getting up from the sofa. Peridot perfectly understands why she still hasn't left.

Because it's too cozy next to Lapis. Yes, her character isn't sugar, and it's noticeable sometimes how she wrinkles and sighs deeply to overcome a flare-up of anger, or how she freezes at the mention of something that should not cause such a reaction. Peridot seems meaningless to get used to each other as roommates, but... This feels nice. It’s like they’re really sharing an apartment for two, and this is their castle (in which Lapis' mother appears only in the evenings and on weekends, and doesn't pay special attention to them).

Peridot wants Lapis to ask her to stay.

Lapis is afraid that asking her to stay will be selfish.

Peridot buys tickets for the next week, overpaying to be able to return or move them to another date, and doesn't tell Lapis about this. The city of dreams she wanted to live in since childhood is already very close, but damn it all, _it hurts._

***

"And what are your future plans?"

Lapis asks, holding a mug of freshly brewed tea, while Peridot fumbles in the fridge, trying to find butter for toast. The morning routine no longer seems just a routine. It has only been a week, and Lapis doesn't even want to think what it would be like to drink oversugared tea alone. Peridot puts three spoons of coffee and one spoon of sugar to a mug ( _are you crazy, nerd?_ ), and pours it with boiling water.

"I booked a place in the hostel. I'll leave my clothes and go look where to rent a room. I have enough money, and I may find a second job and live in an apartment alone.”

"Won't you be bored?"

"Without you, of course I will. Come with me, you will brighten up my gray days."

Peridot yawns and sips bitter coffee, and Lapis chokes on tea. Peridot doesn't continue, it was definitely a joke, but...

"Okay, take me a ticket then."

Silence reigns. Thirty seconds pass in the senseless gazing of their mugs, and only when bread jumps from the toaster with a loud "tink", they raise their eyes to each other.

“Your mother won't forgive me if you move out and leave her alone here.”

It's true. Even if they can not communicate with her mother for days, Lapis knows that without her everything will be very bad. She needs to appear at home at least a few times a week. How will she make it from another city? And so far away? It just won't work.

Lapis bites her lip and squeezes the mug in her hands to whitened knuckles.

She must finally say everything.

"Then don't go."

Three words. It seems to be so _ironic_. People crave to hear certain three words, but not these. But there are no other words. This is the only important thing she wanted to say. Three selfish words.

“Stay.”

Well, here’s the forth one.

Peridot, stony-faced, takes another sip of coffee.

"Can I leave my clothes in your room?"

"You can."

"And a toothbrush in the bathroom?"

"Of course."

She smirks.

“Can I not sleep on the sofa? My back hurts.”

“Sleep wherever you want.”

“For real?”

“For real.”

Lapis closes her eyes with her hand, feeling her cheeks burning. Why the hell is Peridot so calm?

Peridot takes her phone, silently taps for a few minutes, and returns to breakfast. Lapis wants to throw a mug or fork into her. She’s just teasing her!

“And what?”

“What?” Peridot innocently blinks, trying to spread cold butter over the toast. "You have to move a little tonight. If I continue to sleep on the sofa, my back will be broken by next month. I returned the tickets. Wanted to do it for a long time. More precisely, didn't want to buy them at all. I wanted to stay with you, but I wasn't sure that you would accept it. But since you _don't mind_..."

Lapis throws a teaspoon in her, and Peridot dodges and smiles radiantly, looking into the blue eyes, filled with tears.

_This damn girl._

***

"And who are we now to each other?"

Lapis looks at the ceiling, her hands behind her head. Peridot lies side by side in exactly the same position, without glasses, with hair wet after a shower, She looks tired and sleepy, but Lapis wants to talk, discuss, they, like two schoolgirls, avoided each other all day.

"I don't know. And, frankly, I don't want to know yet. Give it time. We will understand."

Peridot turns to the wall, curling up under a blanket.

Lapis sighs. They do have tons of time now.

“Let me know if you need self-defense lessons again.”

The laughter is heard in an answer.

"Why do I need them, I now have a personal bodyguard. Why else do you think I decided to stay? Just because Lapis Lazuli would kick asses of all my enemies."

“Oh you know someone can return to sleep on the sofa now,” Lapis pokes her in the ribs, and Peridot turns to face her with a laugh, making a plaintive look. "Especially if this someone goes in bed with a wet head again."

“I’ll remember that.”

They really have a lot of time to understand who they are to each other.

Though the answer is terribly obvious and they find it next morning.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello I fucked everything up heh   
> my irl job took all strength  
> I'm sorry fot such a delay  
> but yay I'm glad I still managed to finish it


End file.
